Many children carry the battle scars of divorce well into adulthood — wounds that never needed to be inflicted in the first place. But broken-up spouses can help stop the damage by managing their own behavior before the ink dries on the divorce papers. Family and divorce expert M. Gary Neuman, LMHC, gives exes pointers on how to split up without emotionally destroying their kids long term. Here are 3 of the 5 mistakes divorced parents should never make. Hear the experience as it is shared by Neuman below.
1. Don’t make your child the messenger…..
Too many parents attempt to communicate through their children,” Neuman says, “which causes undue emotional stress on them and forces them to negotiate a situation their own parents could not handle. Email is an excellent tool nowadays to communicate with your ex-spouse. It allows you to specifically discuss the practicalities of raising your child without detouring into negative areas and opening old wounds. It also provides a recorded message, admissible into court, so parents tend to be more careful when using it
2. Try to “get” your kid.
Kids need to feel as if they are understood,” Neuman says, and after a divorce their feelings may be in turmoil. “Listen to them. Don’t tell them what to think. And it might be difficult, but never criticize your ex — it’s a criticism of your child, who, of course, is 50% of your ex-husband or wife. Respond specifically to what they are telling you. Say, ‘It sounds like you are feeling sad/mad/upset about meeting your dad’s new girlfriend, is that right?’ As a parent, you don’t have to have a solution. You just need to hear them.
3. Avoid the third degree.
Parents should treat their child’s weekend away with their ex-spouse as if the child has just visited an aunt or uncle,” Neuman says. “Saying nothing will leave your child stressed, as if he must compartmentalize both worlds and tiptoe around this other experience. On the other hand, grilling the child puts him squarely in the middle, which is an impossible position emotionally. So ask your kid fun and general questions, which diffuses tension. And then let it go.
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Photo Source : Bunga Mawar