Parents are often surprised to hear that I don’t believe in most of what we think of as discipline (spankings, consequences, timeouts) because it keeps kids from becoming responsible, self-disciplined people. “How will my child learn how to behave?” they ask.
My answer is that children learn what they live. The most effective way to teach kids is to treat them the way we want them to treat others: with compassion and understanding. When we spank, punish, or yell, kids learn to act aggressively.
Even timeouts – symbolic abandonment — give children the message that they’re alone with their big scary feelings just when they need us most, rather than being an opportunity to learn how to manage their emotions. (But I’m a big fan of Time-Ins, during which we remove our child from the situation and sit with him to help him process the feelings that were causing him to act out.)
That doesn’t mean we renege on our responsibility to guide our children by setting limits. No running into the street, no hitting the baby, no peeing on the carpet, no picking the neighbor’s tulips, no hurting the dog. But these are limits, not punishment.
Are you wondering how your child will learn not to do these things next time, if you don’t “discipline” him when he does them? Then you’re assuming that we need to punish children to “teach a lesson.”
Actually, research shows that punishing kids creates more misbehavior. Being punished makes kids angry and defensive. It launches adrenalin and the other fight, flight or freeze hormones, and turns off the reasoning, cooperative impulses. Kids quickly forget the “bad” behavior that led to their being punished, even while they’re processing the emotional aftermath of the punishment for weeks. If they learn anything, it’s to lie and avoid getting caught. Punishment disconnects us from our kids so we have less influence with them. It even lowers IQ, since kids who don’t feel completely safe and secure aren’t free to learn. Quite simply, punishment is never an effective means of raising a responsible, considerate, happy child. It teaches all the wrong lessons.
If, instead, we can stay kind and connected while we set limits, our children will internalize what they’ve lived. They don’t resist our guidance, so they feel connected, and they see their impact on others, so they’re considerate and responsible. Because they’ve had parents who modeled emotional self-regulation, they’ve learned to manage their own emotions, and therefore their own behavior. Because they’re been accepted for all of who they are, they’re in touch with their own passions and motivated to explore them.
So what can we do to guide children without discipline?
1. Regulate your own emotions. That’s how children learn to manage theirs. You’re the role model. Don’t act when you’re upset. If you can’t get in touch with your love for your child, then what would a really fantastic parent do right now? Do that. If you can’t, then take a deep breath and wait until you’re calm before you address the situation. Resist the impulse to be punitive. It always backfires.
2. Honor feelings. When your child is hijacked by adrenaline and other fight or flight hormones, he can’t learn. Instead of lecturing, do a “Time-In” where you stay with your child and let him have his meltdown in your attentive presence. Your goal is to provide a calm “holding environment” for your child’s upset. Expressing emotions with a safe, attentive, accepting adult is what helps kids move through those feelings and learn to self-soothe so they can regulate their own emotions eventually. Don’t try to reason with him during the emotional storm. Afterwards, he’ll feel so much better, and so much closer to you, that he’ll be open to your guidance about why we don’t say “Shut Up” (Because it hurts feelings) or lie (Because it cuts the invisible cords that connect our hearts to each other.)
3. Remember how children learn. Consider the example of teeth brushing. Start when she’s a baby, model brushing your own teeth, make it fun for her, gradually give her more of the responsibility, and eventually she’ll be doing it herself. The same principle holds for learning to say Thank You, taking turns, remembering her belongings, feeding her pet, doing homework, and most everything else you can think of. Routines are invaluable partly because they provide the “scaffolding” for your child to learn basic skills, just as scaffolding provides structure for a building to take shape. You might be mad she forgot her jacket again, but yelling won’t help her remember. “Scaffolding” will.
4. Connect before you correct, and stay connected, even while you guide, to awaken your child’s desire to be his best self. Remember that children misbehave when they feel bad about themselves and disconnected from us.
Stoop down to her level and look her in the eye: “You are mad…Tell me what you need in words… no biting!”
Pick her up: “You wish you could play longer… it’s time for bed.”
Make loving eye contact: “You are so upset right now.”
Put your hand on her shoulder: “You’re scared to tell me about the cookie.”